#12- All Is Said and Done

Wow, it's been a while since my last blog post. So here we go.

A lot has happened over these past few weeks. Finished up finals, had my break, and next thing I know, I'm already in my second week in the new semester. Time sure flies.

Let's go over the highlights of my break. During the first week, I had a 2 day job courtesy of Ian Nathaniel, and did it with a few other friends. It was surprisingly fun, it was a job under Shell, and we got to work with a few radio announcers. Most notably Ean from Hitz. He's such a nice guy. Met a few new people there as well.

On the second week, I went on a 3-day vacation with the housemates to Johor Bahru and Singapore. I had such a great time there. We explored all of Universal Studios, went walking around Orchard Road, had dinner at Hooters (which was way disappointing, only 1 waitress looked attractive) and ended the night by partying at Mink with my good friend Charmaine Choo. It was exhausting, but an amazing experience.

Nothing interesting happened on my third week of break though. In a blink of an eye, the new semester started. It's gonna be a heavy semester, no doubt. Hopefully I'll do better this time around though. I'm avoiding the girl like a plague, especially since I discovered through Twitter that she seems to be seeing someone else now. Finding out hurt, no doubt but you know what, life goes on. I'll pick up the pieces and carry on.

I just had a pretty fun weekend though. I spent Halloween in Zouk, dressed up as what I call it Dancing Dracula with Jackie Chua, Zafran Aqil and again, Charmaine Choo. The next day I went to Ecoba for Raising The Bar, a monthly hip hop appreciation event with Khidmah Raffick and her friends. I met her friend Farah Hani there, and you know what, she seems pretty cool. Cute too.

Yeah, I need to start exercising.

That's all I have so far. I guess if I had to describe these past few weeks, it would be bittersweet. Right now though, it's more towards sweet.

Song Of The Night:

#11- A State of Limbo

So it's been a while since my last post. Never really had nothing to blog about. Okay, guess I did but never really gotten to it. I've been trying to keep myself occupied lately. Last week, I had an event job under Shell. It was loads of fun, hanging out with the guys Ian and Kiat while working. Met Hitz DJ Ean as well, really cool guy. Tomorrow I'm off to a vacation with the housemates to Johor Bahru, and Singapore the next day. Hopefully that all turns out well.

I guess I'm blogging right now because I've had time to tend to my emotions. Yes, this is gonna be another post about her.

We haven't been talking for a week now. The last time I talked to her, she was having a hard time with things. I tried to cheer her up, but I guess I said something wrong, or I probably wasn't helping with her situation. She stopped talking to me. Thought she'd drop a text when she cooled down but that doesn't seem to be happening.

I'm horrible at cheering people up. Most of the time when people turn to me when they're having a hard time, I have no idea what to say or what to do. I feel like there's a lot of pressure put on me and I end up saying something wrong.

I guess, I just don't know what I want. I want to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm so scared of things getting real. Maybe I should stop being scared.

#10- Content

Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The sadness I've been feeling has left me, and I feel content at how things are now. Actually, maybe more than content, I might be happy. The girl and I are on talking terms again, and it's odd how I actually feel better because of it.

We had dinner last night, and it was actually nice. Did some catching up, she was telling me her stories and I was telling her mine. It was only a matter of time before the subject of our break-up surfaced. After talking about it, I realized that she was just as insecure as I was. I made her feel like I didn't care about her, and for that I apologized. We're friends now, but I can't deny that the flames are still there. I have a feeling she feels the same.

Looking back, I realized that during my time with her, I had my guard up the whole time. She felt as though I was distancing myself, but really I was just protecting myself from getting hurt. Well, trying to rather. Maybe if I wasn't like that, then things would've turned out differently. Not that I regret anything, it's all apart of growing.

Right now, I'm just happy at where things stand. I guess I finally got some kind of closure. Given the chance though, I would give us another try. But I'm fine even if we stay as we are. Maybe, just maybe it's better off that way.

It's time to put the past away and start a new chapter. May it be moving on, or restarting the relationship, only time will tell.

Song Of The Night:

#9- The Infinite Sadness

Dear reader, I realize that lately my blog has been just a dumpster for my sad thoughts. I do apologize for that. This week so far has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. The odd thing is though, is that the events that are causing the sadness happened weeks ago. Yet, all of it is only hitting me now.

I don't know how long I'd be like this, honestly. Moving on is somehow a challenging hurdle I can't seem to conquer. Weird, as I didn't think I'd take this long, or even feel this horrible. I know it's for the best. I know I'm better off this way. I know we're both better off going our separate ways. I've accepted all of that, so why am I feeling this way?

Seeing "Relationship Status: In a Relationship" hurt me more than it probably should have. It shouldn't have bothered me, yet the pain I felt seeing it was unimaginable.

Despite the abyss I'm in, there is a silver lining. I have my friends, who have my back and are constantly ready to lend a hand when I've crashed to my knees. I take comfort in that thought, knowing that I have friends who truly care about me. I don't know what kind of pathetic state I'd be without them.

It's time to face it. Here's the bottom line. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't make her happy.

Pick up the pieces and move on.

Song Of The Night:

#8- Insecurities

Much has happened these past few months. I guess the most interesting being that I started dating a girl. Then I lost her.

It got me thinking, am I just not good enough? I've always had these thoughts about myself. Doesn't just apply to dating, applies to everything really. Studies, music, etc.

I always feel like I'm never good enough. There are so many things I hate about myself, but just don't know how to change. The thing is, do I really need to change? Or do I just accept that I am who I am, and make the best of it?

Sometimes, when I decide to attempt to write a song, I get this mental block. I constantly feel like whatever I come up with isn't good enough. Obviously, I'm no Yorke or Boyd or Mayer but I always strive on making something.. different. Unique. After many attempts, I realize that maybe I just don't have it in me.

Then there's dating. Based on the recent failed relationship, I realized that I wasn't good enough for her. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe she was expecting too much. I don't know.

I feel so insecure about so many things about myself that often I get into this self-loathing phase. That being, right now.

Song Of The Night:

#7 - Mistakes

Everyone makes them. Some make bigger than ones than others. Of course, it's all apart of life. You learn from mistakes, you move on, it makes you stronger. Which is fine.

But what about mistakes you cannot afford to make? What if there are mistakes you cannot move on from? What if the consequence of the mistake is too much to bear?

I may have made a mistake.

Song Of The Night:

#6- There Goes Another

Time flies fast doesn't it? Just like that, a week of Eid is over. It's been a great week though, open houses here and there, got to see a bunch of friends. I also had to see a close friend of mine, Razlan Fitri off to Kansas. He's been a good friend of mine, we've known each other since we were kids.

Meet Razlan.

A lot of people are flying off around this time. It kinda makes me sad, because who knows when I'll get to see them again. Saravana Kumar (or his new legal name Shareven) is leaving for Switzerland on Thursday, and I'll be having a last dinner with him tomorrow. I'll be seeing Misha Scott-Hewer (I don't even know if that's her real last name) on Thursday before she flies off to UK. I haven't seen her at all since she came back from Singapore, aside from the time I bumped into her in Twenty One. Really looking forward to it.

Today I went out with another girl, Alysha Khazlida. She's flying off to Manchester on the 6th of September as well. If you're close to me, you'd know that I'm somewhat close to her. Spending my day with her was really nice, we went to Empire, had some grub, then moved to Pyramid and had a few drinks. I'm gonna miss her when she flies off.

So many people are flying off soon. Jeralyn Kan, Lionel Noel, I can go on and on. I'm gonna miss these people. I'm definitely making sure I'll spend time with them before they're flying off.

Song Of The Night: