#17- Stay

If I lose you, it would kill me.

#16- The Light

"You know what I think? I think I'm really starting to fall in love with you."

That's all I ever wanted to hear. And she finally said it.

Song Of The Night:

#15- It All Comes Crashing Down

If heartbreak had a sound, what do you think it would sound like? Glass shattering? Or would that be too cliche? Have you ever seen the moment a person's heart breaks? I just did. I could almost hear it. I could definitely feel it.

In that short moment, everything just changed. So fast. All that happiness just flashed by in an instant. That exact moment, I saw in her eyes, that she was heartbroken was almost too painful to bear.

I just hope this is something we can work out. I don't want it to die here.

Song Of The Night:

#14- Things Get Better

Or at least, that's what I like to tell myself.

As stated in my last post, things are going pretty rocky. We talked it out, and worked it out, and we're okay. Everything was back to the way it was. Or so I thought.

Jackie always tells me that once the girl I'm seeing even shows a hint of issues, leave. I guess I discovered that she has massive insecurity, and tends to over-think things. By Jackie's logic, I should stop trying and just leave. But when you think about it, everyone has issues. I guess the deciding factor is whether or not you'd be able to deal with them. Quite frankly, I don't know whether or not I can. But, I want to. I can't explain why. Maybe it's just my masochist heart talking. I don't know.

Maybe I just really like her. She's different, in a way. I don't think she's the kind of person that would leave for another guy. Or hurt me intentionally. I wanna keep trying, at least a little while longer. I just have to be patient.

Things get better. I hope.

Song Of The Night:

#13- And Here We Go Again

And so a new chapter begins.
Or rather, already has. I'm just writing about it a little late.

I'm dating someone new now. But it isn't going very smoothly, even though we just started. We've been going out for a few weeks, and she's been sleeping over a few times. I remember her saying the words "I really like you" for the first time. It was in my room, right after coming home from watching Delphic. In fact, I've been playing that moment in my head countless times, just to convince myself that there's still hope yet. But I could just be hanging on to something dead for all I know.

I might have a thing for sabotaging my own happiness. I don't know why I do it, but sometimes I just do. Subconsciously. Maybe I just like being alone. It's easier. It isn't messy. There isn't anyone you have to take care of. On the flip side though, being alone can get so painful. Nobody to love, or love you back. Which leads to the question: What do I want? As hard as I try to answer that, truth is I really can't find an answer.

Two nights ago, while we were in bed, for some odd reason, I told her I loved her. I don't know why. I don't know what I was thinking. At that moment, everything just felt.. Right. She was in my arms, and at that moment, I just felt like everything I've had to go through just led up to that moment. Needless to say, that moment of bliss was short-lived. What I said was followed by awkward silence. I even felt the need to try to brush it off and make the moment funny. "Yeah, I said it. Deal with it", I said, with my tongue out. In my head though, all I could think of was "Why."

Which were in fact the only words that came out of her mouth. "Why? Why? Why?" Countless times she said that, and I just lied there, slowly starting to hate myself. It's not like I said it on a whim. I meant it. I don't even remember the last time I said it. I usually don't. I never said it once to the last girl. I just can't seem to find a reason why I thought it would be a good idea. But that night, we were cuddled up, I had her in my arms, and I just felt it. It all just felt right. And I felt like I needed to tell her. After countless arguments in my head, that is. After the way she reacted, or I guess kind of her lack of reaction, let's just say my trust issues just flew sky high. As if they weren't high enough already.

I get that it's a big deal. And I get that it's a lot to take in. Freaking out is perfectly normal. But pretending like it didn't happen is not. She'd rather pretend I didn't say it, rather than having an awkward conversation with me. So here I am, pretending like I didn't say anything, pretending like everything was exactly the way it was, pretending that I didn't just tell her that I felt something for her that I haven't felt in so long. Just hoping that things will get better. I don't know if it will, but doesn't hurt to be hopeful right? Right?

She jokingly tells me that she doesn't like me, usually after I say something to playfully make fun of her. Truth be told, I'm starting to believe her now. And honestly, just thinking about it hurts. I don't understand why I'm so attached to this girl, or why I like her so much, but I just do. I want to be with this girl. She could be the one that can make me happy again. And I could be the one to make her happy. If only, just only she'd let me.

Song Of The Night:

#12- All Is Said and Done

Wow, it's been a while since my last blog post. So here we go.

A lot has happened over these past few weeks. Finished up finals, had my break, and next thing I know, I'm already in my second week in the new semester. Time sure flies.

Let's go over the highlights of my break. During the first week, I had a 2 day job courtesy of Ian Nathaniel, and did it with a few other friends. It was surprisingly fun, it was a job under Shell, and we got to work with a few radio announcers. Most notably Ean from Hitz. He's such a nice guy. Met a few new people there as well.

On the second week, I went on a 3-day vacation with the housemates to Johor Bahru and Singapore. I had such a great time there. We explored all of Universal Studios, went walking around Orchard Road, had dinner at Hooters (which was way disappointing, only 1 waitress looked attractive) and ended the night by partying at Mink with my good friend Charmaine Choo. It was exhausting, but an amazing experience.

Nothing interesting happened on my third week of break though. In a blink of an eye, the new semester started. It's gonna be a heavy semester, no doubt. Hopefully I'll do better this time around though. I'm avoiding the girl like a plague, especially since I discovered through Twitter that she seems to be seeing someone else now. Finding out hurt, no doubt but you know what, life goes on. I'll pick up the pieces and carry on.

I just had a pretty fun weekend though. I spent Halloween in Zouk, dressed up as what I call it Dancing Dracula with Jackie Chua, Zafran Aqil and again, Charmaine Choo. The next day I went to Ecoba for Raising The Bar, a monthly hip hop appreciation event with Khidmah Raffick and her friends. I met her friend Farah Hani there, and you know what, she seems pretty cool. Cute too.

Yeah, I need to start exercising.

That's all I have so far. I guess if I had to describe these past few weeks, it would be bittersweet. Right now though, it's more towards sweet.

Song Of The Night:

#11- A State of Limbo

So it's been a while since my last post. Never really had nothing to blog about. Okay, guess I did but never really gotten to it. I've been trying to keep myself occupied lately. Last week, I had an event job under Shell. It was loads of fun, hanging out with the guys Ian and Kiat while working. Met Hitz DJ Ean as well, really cool guy. Tomorrow I'm off to a vacation with the housemates to Johor Bahru, and Singapore the next day. Hopefully that all turns out well.

I guess I'm blogging right now because I've had time to tend to my emotions. Yes, this is gonna be another post about her.

We haven't been talking for a week now. The last time I talked to her, she was having a hard time with things. I tried to cheer her up, but I guess I said something wrong, or I probably wasn't helping with her situation. She stopped talking to me. Thought she'd drop a text when she cooled down but that doesn't seem to be happening.

I'm horrible at cheering people up. Most of the time when people turn to me when they're having a hard time, I have no idea what to say or what to do. I feel like there's a lot of pressure put on me and I end up saying something wrong.

I guess, I just don't know what I want. I want to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm so scared of things getting real. Maybe I should stop being scared.