Or rather, already has. I'm just writing about it a little late.
I'm dating someone new now. But it isn't going very smoothly, even though we just started. We've been going out for a few weeks, and she's been sleeping over a few times. I remember her saying the words "I really like you" for the first time. It was in my room, right after coming home from watching Delphic. In fact, I've been playing that moment in my head countless times, just to convince myself that there's still hope yet. But I could just be hanging on to something dead for all I know.
I might have a thing for sabotaging my own happiness. I don't know why I do it, but sometimes I just do. Subconsciously. Maybe I just like being alone. It's easier. It isn't messy. There isn't anyone you have to take care of. On the flip side though, being alone can get so painful. Nobody to love, or love you back. Which leads to the question: What do I want? As hard as I try to answer that, truth is I really can't find an answer.
Two nights ago, while we were in bed, for some odd reason, I told her I loved her. I don't know why. I don't know what I was thinking. At that moment, everything just felt.. Right. She was in my arms, and at that moment, I just felt like everything I've had to go through just led up to that moment. Needless to say, that moment of bliss was short-lived. What I said was followed by awkward silence. I even felt the need to try to brush it off and make the moment funny. "Yeah, I said it. Deal with it", I said, with my tongue out. In my head though, all I could think of was "Why."
Which were in fact the only words that came out of her mouth. "Why? Why? Why?" Countless times she said that, and I just lied there, slowly starting to hate myself. It's not like I said it on a whim. I meant it. I don't even remember the last time I said it. I usually don't. I never said it once to the last girl. I just can't seem to find a reason why I thought it would be a good idea. But that night, we were cuddled up, I had her in my arms, and I just felt it. It all just felt right. And I felt like I needed to tell her. After countless arguments in my head, that is. After the way she reacted, or I guess kind of her lack of reaction, let's just say my trust issues just flew sky high. As if they weren't high enough already.
I get that it's a big deal. And I get that it's a lot to take in. Freaking out is perfectly normal. But pretending like it didn't happen is not. She'd rather pretend I didn't say it, rather than having an awkward conversation with me. So here I am, pretending like I didn't say anything, pretending like everything was exactly the way it was, pretending that I didn't just tell her that I felt something for her that I haven't felt in so long. Just hoping that things will get better. I don't know if it will, but doesn't hurt to be hopeful right? Right?
She jokingly tells me that she doesn't like me, usually after I say something to playfully make fun of her. Truth be told, I'm starting to believe her now. And honestly, just thinking about it hurts. I don't understand why I'm so attached to this girl, or why I like her so much, but I just do. I want to be with this girl. She could be the one that can make me happy again. And I could be the one to make her happy. If only, just only she'd let me.
Song Of The Night:
No comments:
Post a Comment