#10- Content

Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The sadness I've been feeling has left me, and I feel content at how things are now. Actually, maybe more than content, I might be happy. The girl and I are on talking terms again, and it's odd how I actually feel better because of it.

We had dinner last night, and it was actually nice. Did some catching up, she was telling me her stories and I was telling her mine. It was only a matter of time before the subject of our break-up surfaced. After talking about it, I realized that she was just as insecure as I was. I made her feel like I didn't care about her, and for that I apologized. We're friends now, but I can't deny that the flames are still there. I have a feeling she feels the same.

Looking back, I realized that during my time with her, I had my guard up the whole time. She felt as though I was distancing myself, but really I was just protecting myself from getting hurt. Well, trying to rather. Maybe if I wasn't like that, then things would've turned out differently. Not that I regret anything, it's all apart of growing.

Right now, I'm just happy at where things stand. I guess I finally got some kind of closure. Given the chance though, I would give us another try. But I'm fine even if we stay as we are. Maybe, just maybe it's better off that way.

It's time to put the past away and start a new chapter. May it be moving on, or restarting the relationship, only time will tell.

Song Of The Night:

#9- The Infinite Sadness

Dear reader, I realize that lately my blog has been just a dumpster for my sad thoughts. I do apologize for that. This week so far has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. The odd thing is though, is that the events that are causing the sadness happened weeks ago. Yet, all of it is only hitting me now.

I don't know how long I'd be like this, honestly. Moving on is somehow a challenging hurdle I can't seem to conquer. Weird, as I didn't think I'd take this long, or even feel this horrible. I know it's for the best. I know I'm better off this way. I know we're both better off going our separate ways. I've accepted all of that, so why am I feeling this way?

Seeing "Relationship Status: In a Relationship" hurt me more than it probably should have. It shouldn't have bothered me, yet the pain I felt seeing it was unimaginable.

Despite the abyss I'm in, there is a silver lining. I have my friends, who have my back and are constantly ready to lend a hand when I've crashed to my knees. I take comfort in that thought, knowing that I have friends who truly care about me. I don't know what kind of pathetic state I'd be without them.

It's time to face it. Here's the bottom line. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't make her happy.

Pick up the pieces and move on.

Song Of The Night:

#8- Insecurities

Much has happened these past few months. I guess the most interesting being that I started dating a girl. Then I lost her.

It got me thinking, am I just not good enough? I've always had these thoughts about myself. Doesn't just apply to dating, applies to everything really. Studies, music, etc.

I always feel like I'm never good enough. There are so many things I hate about myself, but just don't know how to change. The thing is, do I really need to change? Or do I just accept that I am who I am, and make the best of it?

Sometimes, when I decide to attempt to write a song, I get this mental block. I constantly feel like whatever I come up with isn't good enough. Obviously, I'm no Yorke or Boyd or Mayer but I always strive on making something.. different. Unique. After many attempts, I realize that maybe I just don't have it in me.

Then there's dating. Based on the recent failed relationship, I realized that I wasn't good enough for her. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe she was expecting too much. I don't know.

I feel so insecure about so many things about myself that often I get into this self-loathing phase. That being, right now.

Song Of The Night:

#7 - Mistakes

Everyone makes them. Some make bigger than ones than others. Of course, it's all apart of life. You learn from mistakes, you move on, it makes you stronger. Which is fine.

But what about mistakes you cannot afford to make? What if there are mistakes you cannot move on from? What if the consequence of the mistake is too much to bear?

I may have made a mistake.

Song Of The Night:

#6- There Goes Another

Time flies fast doesn't it? Just like that, a week of Eid is over. It's been a great week though, open houses here and there, got to see a bunch of friends. I also had to see a close friend of mine, Razlan Fitri off to Kansas. He's been a good friend of mine, we've known each other since we were kids.

Meet Razlan.

A lot of people are flying off around this time. It kinda makes me sad, because who knows when I'll get to see them again. Saravana Kumar (or his new legal name Shareven) is leaving for Switzerland on Thursday, and I'll be having a last dinner with him tomorrow. I'll be seeing Misha Scott-Hewer (I don't even know if that's her real last name) on Thursday before she flies off to UK. I haven't seen her at all since she came back from Singapore, aside from the time I bumped into her in Twenty One. Really looking forward to it.

Today I went out with another girl, Alysha Khazlida. She's flying off to Manchester on the 6th of September as well. If you're close to me, you'd know that I'm somewhat close to her. Spending my day with her was really nice, we went to Empire, had some grub, then moved to Pyramid and had a few drinks. I'm gonna miss her when she flies off.

So many people are flying off soon. Jeralyn Kan, Lionel Noel, I can go on and on. I'm gonna miss these people. I'm definitely making sure I'll spend time with them before they're flying off.

Song Of The Night:

#5- The One I Keep Close

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. Always there to share the good times, and also there to help me at bad ones. Yeah, this is gonna be a sappy post dedicated to my friends. I'll just write about one in particular though. Yeah Ninez Ramlan, this is for you.

Meet Ninez.

I've been friends with Ninez for a while now. Probably since we were 15, since we were classmates at that time. She's always fun to hang out with, and I know I can trust her with anything. I'm always complaining about my life to her and she's probably sick of it but listens anyway. Thanks for that, Ninez.  

I love making her listen to my music. Every now and then I'd make her click a YouTube link and make her listen to it. Just a few hours ago I made her listen to Skrillex's "WEEKENDS!!!" even though I know she wouldn't like it. Of course I give her generally acceptable songs as well sometimes. Like Those Dancing Days' "I'll Be Yours". She loves that one apparently.

Of course, there are times she annoys my brains out. She loves cracking the lamest jokes, to which I'd react by slamming my head with a book. My palm works as well when there isn't a book in the vicinity. Oh my forehead would be so sore.

Regardless, I still love this girl. She's my best friend and I'm glad to have ever gotten the chance to meet her. Thanks for always being there for me Ninez. 

Song Of The Night: 

#4- Celebration

Well it's time, readers. The month of Ramadhan has ended and Eid is here. It's a month of festivity with open houses, Malay food and duit raya. It's also a month of forgiveness. So I'm gonna take this opportunity to say I hope you can forgive me if I ever harmed you in any way, intentionally or otherwise.

Here's the thing though, I've never actually been a festive person. Not just for Eid, but any holiday in general. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I was when I was younger, but I honestly can't remember the last time I felt excited for a holiday. It might be because you would mostly spend these things with your family, but I'm not much of a family kind of guy. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I just don't like to spend so much time with them. Weird, I know.

Of course, I used to love these things.

Then, well, there's the food. If you're close to me you'd know that I generally don't like Malay cuisine. Yeah, yeah it's weird. I've established that. That's not to say that I completely reject it though. I do eat rendang and stuff if I have to, but I don't enjoy it.

I guess there is one thing I look forward to. It's spending time with friends, when they do open houses and things like that. More often than not, I get to see a lot of friends I don't usually get to see, and get to catch up with them.

Well, I'm just gonna make the most of my Eid this year. Have a blessed Eid everyone. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Song Of The Night: